Hi, I'm Cheryl.

I've spent so much time in my life worried that other people were judging me. I felt defeated and overwhelmed by the impossibility of good enough (where "good enough" equals perfect). I was falling short of goalposts that I kept moving farther and farther away. 

Moving out of that mindset has been incredibly liberating. My life has become so much easier, so much more joyful, and all-around better since I let go of the idea of perfect.

Drowning Doesn’t Look Like Drowning

What does this mean for you? Well, do you see this article in your feeds every summer? I have three kids, so I think I'm the target demographic for this. It's impossible to avoid. The piece's title is "Drowning Doesn't Look Like Drowning."

I think about this title when I think about perfectionism because we usually seem happy enough to the people around us. According to the writer, drowning people don't make big, showy signs of distress. Because they don't have enough oxygen, they can't yell, can't wave their arms, and probably look like they're just having a fine time swimming.

It’s So Easy to Miss the Signs

When I was anxious and depressed, I didn't know I was anxious and depressed. I didn't show obvious signs that anybody else was noticing. 

I didn't know that I was depressed the first time I went to therapy! Only much later, when I was feeling better, could I look back and see what I'd been going through at the time. 

The ways you're feeling are widespread, yes, but not inevitable and certainly not "as good as it gets."

I Know What It’s Like to Feel Isolated and Discouraged

When I was in my twenties, I was miserable at work and, though I wouldn't have said so at the time, I wasn't doing well outside of work either! I took everything personally. I constantly worried that I was falling short. I was terrified to be my genuine self around other people for fear of being rejected. 

I didn't have many friends, and I avoided reaching out, then felt lonely. When my husband and I disagreed about something, I was afraid we'd never find our way back to connecting again. Being open or warm with him when I was hurt, angry, or scared felt next to impossible.

These days, I delight in my work, take disagreements in stride, and have a more extensive web of connections than I dreamed possible. The tools I use with patients are tools I use myself. I practice with colleagues and train for multiple hours every week. This work threads itself through all the different parts of my life. I know these tools work because I eat, sleep, and breathe them and see them working all the time.

Why Bit by Bit?

My perfectionism is mainly in the "can't start" category.

I'm very familiar with feeling overwhelmed, and when a project feels too big, or a goal feels too far off, I struggle to move forward. When I feel that way, I remind myself to take it one step at a time.

I was a French major as an undergraduate (and Spanish! with a minor in Italian - as a kid, I loved the idea of using languages as secret codes), and somewhere along the way, I learned this saying: "Petit a petit, l'oiseau fait son nid." Little by little (bit by bit), the bird builds its nest.

Bit by bit. 

Break it down. What's the very next, very tiniest step? 

When I focus on that very next, very tiniest step, I can usually get myself to get moving. And then there's also the fact that birds' nests are freakin' breathtaking when you think about it. The ability to weave and connect and construct a home without the advantage of opposable thumbs is mind-blowing! If birds can do that, I can start the next unapproachable project. One bit at a time.