How to Be Your True Self
Conformity and comfort
When I was a kid, I dedicated myself to conforming. I learned what it felt like to be excluded and how to do my best to fit in. It didn’t entirely work, but the dangers of standing out were clear.
In high school, though, I met friends whose non-conformity was bold and thrilling. The things that marked them as different weren’t huge, but it was new enough for me, a suburban kid who’d always thought that sameness was the key to having friends.
Congruence and Confidence
I saw freedom in kids with brightly colored hair, baggy jeans, and non-top-40 music tastes. They weren’t trying to play sports or have the best grades—they showed no interest in approval from the popular kids.
Their apparent confidence was magnetic, and their refusal to play the approval game surprised and captivated me. It would take me several more decades to describe what I loved about that and even longer to get close to having it.
In college, I got an eyebrow piercing. It was an attempt to force myself into challenging expectations even when I might have wanted to be a chameleon. “You won’t have the option to conform because the piercing will give you away.”
Trying to Force a “True Self”
Unsurprisingly, forcing it didn’t work: I was still self-conscious.
I lived at home again briefly, and the piercing didn’t last. I’d go to the grocery store and feel sure other shoppers were judging me - like there was a spotlight trained directly on my eyebrow. “She has a piercing - how threatening to our way of life!”
I laugh at myself now, but I remember that deep desire to be known honestly and still be accepted.
What Does it Mean to Be Your True Self?
Does being your “true self” mean revealing everything you’ve ever done or thought to everyone you ever meet?
I’ve made huge strides in living unapologetically but even today, there are details about my life that I’m careful with. Telling people I’m queer? I’m hesitant. I’m married to a man, so it doesn’t come up organically. Admitting that I’m a CBT therapist? I don’t do that every time, either. I also avoid mentioning that I’m Unitarian Universalist and very involved at my church. In most situations, I don’t have the time to explain that it’s not a Christian church and that I’m an agnostic atheist who regularly spends Sunday mornings in a pew.
You’re Not Alone
If this is a question you’ve been wrestling with - how can I be brave enough to show people who I am? - you and I are not alone. I won’t say it’s a universal concern, but I hear it from clients almost daily.
Honestly, it’s not even just clients! I’ve seen this theme in TV shows, movies, friends, and even other therapists. I know precious few people who feel comfortable letting other people in.
So why do we feel so conflicted? If we want to be known and seen without hiding or pretending, why don’t we live boldly and unapologetically?
Fear of Rejection
It’s unattractive to be dependent (needy, clingy, demanding), so most of us reject ourselves when we recognize these types of thoughts:
“If people knew my real beliefs, they would reject me.”
“I feel at home here but can’t let anyone else know that’s part of my life.”
“I’m way outside the norm.”
“They’d be right to reject me - I am inferior to them.”
“If I’m honest with them, that will cause a conflict, and I wouldn’t be able to handle it.”
“If one person rejected me, the word would get out, and I’d lose all my friendships.”
We get daily messages implying that fear of rejection is something we should simply “get over.” We hear from the outside world that fearing rejection means cowardice, brokenness, or inferiority.
Relationships Are Important!
In truth, though, social connections are usually health-promoting influences. We do depend on other people! We rely on people to hire us, pay for our services, tend to our injuries, stock our supermarket shelves, and pave our roads.
Most of us also crave comfort and support from other human beings. We want affection and care. We want to express ourselves and feel heard.
Human societies work because we crave each other’s care and approval. It would be a mistake to believe that we need to find these things in one particular person, but it’s admirable to want them! Wanting those things makes us willing to work hard to get them.
Maybe You Shouldn’t “Be Yourself”
Imagine you’re standing in front of a switch right now. It looks just like a light switch. If you flip it, you no longer have any choice but to say what you think all the time. You’d be in full, constant, self-disclosure mode. Would you flip it?
I hope not!
For one thing, only some of your thoughts represent your values. We all have thoughts that pop into our heads that we’d never endorse. It would be hurtful to others if we said them all out loud.
For another thing, “you” are different all the time. In the morning, you’re with the people who live with you. The things they want from you. Your grocery store cashier does not want to know the stories about you that your brother could tell.
I want the option to be picky about what I reveal and what I hold close.
Safety First!
It is sometimes to our disadvantage or even dangerous to show true things about ourselves. For example, in 2021, wearing a mask (or not wearing one) could be an outward sign that set you apart from others, depending on where you were.
Everyone has characteristics that proclaim themselves no matter what. Gender, race, disability, body size, sexuality, class, and religious beliefs are all examples of identities that might be visible to others no matter what. Some of us have more than one of those things going on at once.
AND we all have aspects of our lives we can be more selective about.
Deferring to Others
One response to that fear is to fade into the background. If I’m quiet and don’t show other people my weird opinions and quirks, they won’t be able to reject me.
I might have to go along with their choices and views, avoid leadership roles, and keep quiet as much as possible, but I’ll feel safer.
Keeping Quiet Has Its Downsides
All of the above is true, and still, the monitoring is exhausting.
The “fitting in” rule affects almost every relationship you have. It demands that you run a filter constantly. It makes your connections feel tenuous and contingent.
It requires you to maintain a facade all the time. You leave every conversation scanning for possible causes of rejection.
And sometimes, it feels gross to stay quiet. We might tell ourselves we should be braver, more open, and more willing to challenge norms.
If we blame ourselves for being too cautious, too people-pleasing, or not courageous enough, we might inadvertently make it harder to be bold. Is it possible that selective sharing does stem from our values and represents an ethical choice?
How to Feel Good About Those Choices
Most of us look at the downsides of keeping a low profile. We admire people who seem bold and fearless, living on their terms. That freedom is available to all of us, and I love having more of it than I once did.
Camouflage Is Often Wise
Most of us look at the downsides of keeping a low profile. We admire people who seem bold and fearless, living on their terms. That freedom is available to all of us, and I love having more of it than I once did.
I still wouldn’t lock myself into sharing everything I’m thinking about in every situation.
What are some experiences where you would choose quiet, even if you had all the courage in the world?
Here are some of mine:
Anger: Learning to express negative emotions skillfully has been a liberation for me, but I’m still not up for navigating that in every context.
Exposure: I don’t want to tell every stranger about a trait of mine I suspect they wouldn’t like.
Timing: Maybe I do want to be more open and vulnerable with someone, but this isn’t the moment.
How to Find Balance
So how can we feel good about ourselves even if we aren’t cartwheeling into every room we enter with our freak flags waving proudly? If we accept that there are some times and places where we value our privacy, the remaining uneasiness usually comes from self-rejection.
We might believe (often subconsciously) that someone who’d reject us would be right. If Joan rejects me because I’m x,y, or z, she must be correct - x,y, or z people are inferior.
Even if we reject that belief system consciously and intellectually, it’s easy to fall into it on an unconscious level.
If we feel hurt or threatened by rejection (even by someone whose values we don’t share), then deep down, we likely agree that we are inferior.
Making Sense of Self-Rejection
How does this happen?
I know they’re not better than me - how could any part of me believe they are? Usually, it’s less about comparing yourself to this hypothetical bully than protecting yourself from rejection.
If we get to it first, other people can’t surprise us. We’re protected.
Rejecting the Rejection
That’s fine as far as it goes, but what if we see all the great things about keeping quiet and understand our self-rejection but still want to feel more confident? To live unapologetically?
There are tons of methods we could use to shift that. One that has been super helpful to me in wrestling with my fear of rejection is the Feared Fantasy technique.
Before we start, though, a digression.
One of the areas of my life that I’m picky about sharing is my queer identity. I’m married to a man, and it would make sense to assume I’m straight. But, before I met my husband, my serious relationships were with women.
It’s interesting to be a queer person in a straight marriage. The fact that I can choose not to talk about it makes it feel awkward, and I always feel like I need to provide a lot of context. Talking about my queer identity usually feels like stolen valor. Sometimes, though, not claiming it feels like hiding.
Feared Fantasy
For this role-play, I pictured myself talking to someone who would judge me for not being queer enough.
Feared Fantasy is a role-play method involving one person playing the judgmental rejector from hell and another playing someone anxious about rejection. It might go something like this:
Rejector: Hey Cheryl, can I talk to you for a minute?
Cheryl: Sure, what’s up?
R: Well, I was just over here thinking about how I’m superior to you, especially when it comes to you being queer.
C: Oh. Oh yeah?
R: Yes, indeed. I am a purer queer person than you are, and I think you’re kind of a bullshit person for saying you’re queer even though you’re married to a man.
C: Well, my serious relationships before I met him were with other women.
R: That may be so, but I fell in love with the correct kind of person. I’m a pure queer and only associate with pure gay people.
C: Doesn’t that kind of make you sort of a eugenicist?
R: I don’t know about all that, but if eugenicists agree that there’s one correct way to be, count me in! You’re a fake and a phony.
C: Wait, are you saying my life experiences haven’t happened?
R: It doesn’t matter where you’ve been or what you’ve experienced - the only thing that matters is what you’re doing right now.
C: Right now, I’m talking to you, and you’re talking to me - does that mean that everything else about you ceases to exist during this conversation?
R: Of course not, but I’m undoubtedly superior to you. I reject you.
C: Wonderful! I can’t imagine wanting your approval anymore, quite honestly. There are so many ways to be a person and different ways to be queer. I don’t need your permission, or anybody else’s, to have my history or to talk about the things that are important to me. You don’t have to like me, and I genuinely mean that! It delights me that you don’t like me.
You can run through a role-play like this with a trusted friend - ideally, one who’s willing to be silly with you and get into the spirit of a role-play.
The goal is to find what you most fear someone would think about you. Then imagine they aren’t just thinking it but saying it directly to you. Have your partner say those words to you and see if you can talk back to them.
The goal isn’t to be skillful or diplomatic but to find the part of you that rejects the bully’s belief system and give voice to it. When you consider the rejection fully and out loud, it likely won’t make sense anymore.
Living Boldly
Living boldly, for me, means choosing my arenas and reckoning with my fear of rejection.
I choose when I want to be open about things. I don’t beat myself up when I opt for quiet.
I’ve done enough practice to let go of most of my fear of rejection. That practice has included the Feared Fantasy and a lot of real-life self-disclosure.
Feared Fantasy and Self-Disclosure are exposure methods: it’s scary to confront our fears and step forward anyway. Freedom comes from seeing that few people live up to our fears and that we can handle the rejection we get.
Cheryl Delaney, MS, LPC
Cheryl Delaney is a therapist who specializes in perfectionism and offers online mental health counseling in the state of Georgia. She loves that therapy means laughing and crying with her clients. When she’s not working, Cheryl is probably listening to a podcast or playing Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom.