How Perfectionism and Anxiety Are Holding You Back
(and What to Do About It)
Perfectionism Has a Fancy Ring to It, but It Sucks
Hiding Your Flaws is Exhausting
Every perfectionist I’ve ever worked with has been used to outrunning their flaws by at least one or two steps - never let them see you sweat. They’re all struggling, though, because every conversation has the potential to reveal a shortcoming, and every week contains deadlines, not to mention at least one moment of failing to live up to an impossible standard.
Your High Standards Never Let You Rest
“Helpful” news segments remind you that stress is likely harming your health, but no one ever gave you a lever you could use to turn it down. Most of my clients feel stuck in a constant tug of war between a striving part and a part that wants them to just relax already. The back and forth between the two sides is a droning whine in the background of their days.
Spending time in the kitchen cooking dinner with their partners? It’s there. “Did I remember to add that last paragraph?” Sitting down to watch TV. “I shouldn’t be doing this. I should be doing something productive. No wait. I should be relaxing. I should just enjoy this. Why can’t I enjoy this?” Awake in bed at 2 am. “I shouldn’t have said it that way. I bet he’s mad at me. He would never admit it, though. Even when I ask straight to his face, he just says no. He still looks mad, though.”
Therapy for Perfectionism? Really?
People are usually surprised when I tell them what I do and who I work with. First, they laugh and wait for me to tell them what I actually treat. Then they get a distant look in their eyes while they scan their brains and their histories, wondering - am I a perfectionist? And are you saying perfectionism needs treatment?
The truth is that perfectionism is sneaky. My working definition of perfectionism is mushy, but the main ingredients are:
High standards
Intense fear of falling short
Self-criticism for any perceived flaws or failures.
People driven by these usually give the impression that they have it all together. But ingredients 2 and 3 create all kinds of trouble, including both anxiety and depression! They can be part of trauma, OCD, panic, even phobias. Chronic pain and perfectionism are a surprisingly common pairing. Difficulties with food, physical movement, and body image are common, too. The good news is that, yes, therapy can help.
Therapy for Perfectionism Can Bring Relief; Even Joy
Feeling more compassionate towards ourselves and our achievements comes down, at least in part, to learning a handful of skills. There are excellent reasons you don’t already have them (I didn’t have them either before I started this weird job!). The biggest one is that they are skills, not traits you have to be born with, and we don’t teach them in school. Your parents likely didn’t and still don’t know them. Even though emotions guide everything human beings do, individually and collectively, our culture diminishes them, saying that emotions are silly or shameful.
So, we don’t learn to notice what each one is trying to tell us; we can’t always make the connection between our emotions and our physical sensations.
More than anything, we’re great at hiding them. We feel shame when we’re angry, jealous, or sad, even though each serves an essential purpose. So, in addition to learning to notice them, we’ll also figure out what they say about you that’s admirable and how they’re trying to help. As much suffering as it’s causing, your perfectionism says some amazing things about you.
High Standards Without Fear or Shame
Then, we’ll use powerful tools to adjust ingredients 2 and 3. What would change for you if you could keep your high standards without constantly running from fear or beating yourself up? Imagine waking up feeling motivated, still connected to your goals, and even drawn to excellence, but with a calm focus and competence instead of panic and guilt.
Want to Learn More?
If you’re ready to find relief and try therapy with Bit by Bit Counseling, here’s your roadmap:
Check the Rates & Details page to see if the logistics of working with me will work well for you.
Next, go to my online scheduling tool. Then choose “Free Consultations - New Clients” to choose a time that works for a video call with me to see if we’re a good fit.
Once you’ve scheduled, you’ll get a form with some preliminary questions to help us get as much as possible out of that meeting. The focus of the questions is to let me know what’s bringing you in and what you’re hoping to accomplish in therapy.
Other Counseling Services at Bit by Bit Counseling
Perfectionism doesn’t just show up as anxiety - it shows up in all kinds of different ways. If you’ve been struggling with depression or considering couples’ counseling, schedule a consultation to find out if online therapy (assuming you live in Georgia) would be a good fit.
Cheryl Delaney, MS, LPC
Cheryl Delaney is a Georgia-based therapist specializing in therapy for perfectionism through online counseling. She’s had lots of different forms of anxiety herself, and loves showing other people how to feel more joyful, connected, and capable of meeting their goals. If you’re curious, there’s lots more information about Cheryl and her approach (TEAM-CBT), and you can always schedule a free consultation to ask questions about how therapy might work for you.