Your high standards are causing problems in your life - you're losing sleep or can't get out of bed. You can't find a moment's peace, and you're constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. "So-and-so hasn't responded to my text - are they secretly mad at me? Am I going to get fired? What am I even freaking out about? So many people have it worse!"

There are so many things you know on a rational level ("They're probably not mad, ugh. I'm sure my job is safe."), but you can't seem to stop the wheels from spinning anyway.

So, if perfectionism is causing so many problems in your life, what’s the root cause of your perfectionism?

Two questions I get all the time from people just like you:

How did I get to be this way?
Can I change?

The quick answers to those questions are

It's complex!
Yes. Change is possible.

Colored lightbulbs in muted tones scattered on a pale gray background. What causes perfectionism? It's biopsychosocial! And feeling great is possible.

What’s the root cause of perfectionism? Long Answer, Part I:

Every day, all day long, you're having thoughts. "I should go get a glass of water," "I can't bring myself to respond to this text," "my boss is going to be pissed when I don't have this done on time."

Beliefs are the engines that drive each thought you have in passing at any particular moment. The first one I mentioned above, "I should go get a glass of water," might stem from one of these beliefs

"water's good at quenching my thirst,"
"drinking water is important to my health," or
"Water helps me calm down when I'm upset.”

Beliefs are the engine.

If you're here because you struggle with perfectionism, you probably have beliefs about what it means to you for something to be 'perfect.' The idea of "perfect" has some meaning for you and is causing problems in your life. Maybe they're

"I must never make a mistake, or something terrible will happen."
"If people knew the real me (including my flaws), they would reject me."
"If I put in my best effort, I might fail, so I'm better off not trying."
"The world and other people ought to meet my expectations."

Note: Calling these "beliefs" does not mean anything about their validity. Some of these probably strike you as clearly factual; others seem less so. Sometimes calling something a "belief" indicates a level of skepticism, and that isn't my intent here. We'll get into more detail below.

Smiling man with tattoos on his arms works at a laptop reclined on a couch. Freedom from perfectionism is possible!

The engine generates thoughts.

Those beliefs, in turn, drive specific thoughts and actions at every moment throughout your day.

Thoughts like:

("I must never make a mistake or something terrible will happen.") "I cannot fail this test."
("If people knew the real me (including my flaws), they would reject me.") "I want to tell my friend what's going on with me, but I can't."
("If I put in my best effort, I might fail, so I'm better off not trying.") "I'm a lazy piece of s#*t."
("the world and other people ought to meet my expectations.") "People are lazy and reckless."

These are hypotheticals; we all have unique versions of them. One of the thoughts listed above might sound familiar to you, while the others are alienating. The key is to see the connection between beliefs and thoughts in general.

Thoughts generate feelings.

Look at each of those thoughts in turn. Now imagine how you might be feeling in a situation (test scheduled for tomorrow) when you have a particular belief system (I must never make a mistake) and you have the thought, "I cannot fail this test."

If you took it one step further, you could imagine a connection between each of those thoughts and the feelings that would likely follow. Depending on the particular thought, I can imagine panic, loneliness, incompetence, and anger arising and feeling completely overwhelmed.

What’s the root cause of perfectionism? Long Answer Part 2

If beliefs cause the problems that come with perfectionism, we’re still missing part of the puzzle. Where do the specific beliefs come from? Why might one person believe “I must never make a mistake,” and another believe “Failure is a key part of the learning process?”

The most popular assumptions about this question are that it comes down to either nature or nurture. "Anxiety runs in his family. He was born a ball of nerves," or "it all comes down to parents - they just don't pay enough attention to their children."

In that binary, nature usually means "the genetic material passed on by ancestors," and nurture is shorthand for "how your parents disciplined you when you were a child."

That's the myth.

The reality, on the other hand, is a big, beautiful, complicated mess.

A deeper Look at Root Causes: The Biopsychosocial Model

The term we use in psychology is the "biopsychosocial model." I love this model. I especially love that "biopsychosocial" is one word. There are three ideas in that word, but in the reality of human life, they are inextricably linked - more like strands of a braid than distinct arenas of development.

For example, biology does shape us, but "biology" is a billion different things. It's genetic material, sure, but also hormones in utero, the food we eat, the injuries and illnesses we experience, and what happens around us in the built environment, to name a small sample.

Each of those factors, in turn, influences and is influenced by our social interactions. How do people treat us? How do we learn how to treat other people? Who is teaching us what's important and how to keep ourselves safe? What do we learn about having enough (or not)? What do we learn about what it means for other people to have or not have enough?

In turn, we adapt our emotions and relationship tactics to the influences surrounding us. Loosely grouped, those tactics and adaptations make up our psychology.

Belief-making

All those influences generate beliefs over time. It’s usually a gradual process, but sometimes it’s sudden. If you had a few brief, uneventful interactions with dogs as a child, followed by a single vicious attack, you might have a trajectory like this: "Hm, this fuzzy thing is new. I wonder what its deal is. Okay, interesting, not bad. Whoa, never mind; this is terrible! Dogs are not safe; avoid them at all costs."

Perfectionism beliefs

Let’s imagine that Andrew has the belief “I must never make a mistake or something terrible will happen.” Can you imagine some biological, psychological, or social circumstances that might result in that belief?

Maybe a teacher or parent ridiculed his mistakes when he was a child.
Maybe Andrew saw someone suffer tremendously for what seemed to be minor slip-ups.
Maybe stories of superheroes and regular-human “good guys” (with the superpower of writers’ rooms) gave the impression that perfection was the path to happy endings.

We can never know for sure what created the specific belief in Andrew. I don’t even know for sure for myself what specific events and relationships and biological circumstances have led to my idiosyncrasies. I enjoy speculating! I find comfort in imagining that this experience or that aspect of my culture contributed. I find even more comfort in these two facts:

Everything changes me.
It’s interesting, but not that relevant. I don’t need to know the answer to this question in order to create a new change on purpose. I don’t need to investigate and I don’t need to wait and hope for another random event to create new beliefs.

Okay, So We Can Feel Better?

Yes! Most of the time, our beliefs change because of unplanned but significant experiences like the one I just described. You're afraid of dogs because of a vicious attack. That fear might change if you start dating someone with a friendly dog. You’d be likely to avoid the dog at first but be highly motivated to overcome your fear.

Over time, being around the new dog demonstrates that they can be safe. Unlike those experiences that depend on chance, therapy can help us change our beliefs carefully and on purpose. One of the most effective ways to do that is to create intentional experiences to test beliefs like the ones listed above.

Consider the Costs of Change

Let’s imagine you do have a belief like one of the ones I mentioned - “I must never fail.” You probably see a lot of ways this has caused you pain and held you back. It might keep you from applying for jobs, taking on responsibility, and enjoying the things that seem to be fun for other people. At the same time, is it possible there are some hidden gifts in your perfectionism?

"I can never make a mistake, or something terrible will happen" High standards have pushed me to achieve things in life that I otherwise would not have done. I respect myself enough to expect great things from myself and I have an incredible work ethic. Without a strong work ethic, human beings wouldn’t have built skyscrapers or gone to the moon!
"The world and other people had better ought to meet my expectations." If I expect less of the people around me, they might feel entitled to abuse my hard work and generosity. I respect myself and refuse to allow myself to become a doormat. This belief shows I respect others if I hold them to my own high standards - to expect less of them would be condescending.
"If people knew the real me (including my flaws), they would reject me." There are harsh and critical people in the world, and it's only realistic to see that letting my guard down could lead to more rejection. This thought keeps me from being too open about everything in my life and letting too many people see my vulnerabilities.

Do any of those values, advantages, or hidden gifts resonate with you?

There are genuine advantages to keeping the negative thoughts - they're motivating, self-respecting, and protective, among other things.

…And the Costs of Keeping Things As They Are

What are the downsides to those negative thoughts? What does it cost you to keep them intact? What if there were a way to hold on to the good parts of the negative thoughts while turning down the suffering they cause?

In fact, that’s my goal. I’m never aiming for myself or for my clients to deny the difficulties or downsides of a situation but to shift perspectives so that, while acknowledging the truth, there might be a softer, kinder, more realistic way to interpret things.

Methods!

This is one place where TEAM is different than most other types of therapy. Some of them use a couple of ways to change your belief structures (EMDR, hypnosis, positive regard) but TEAM is omnivorous in finding ways to discover the truth of a thing. We have almost 100 different techniques for changing thoughts.

For Example

“I can never make a mistake, or I’ll lose everything I care about.”

— Keisha

Let's imagine a client named Keisha who's telling herself this thought. It has served her incredibly well! She's been an A-student and model employee all her life. This thought is like having an untamed tiger in the corner every moment. Keisha would never be able to rest for fear of what it might do.

On balance, Keisha has achieved incredible success in her life. She doesn't get to enjoy that success because she would never dare rest.

One of the many methods we could use to test that thought would be the Double Standard technique. It's a role-play method where I'd be in the role of a dear friend of Keisha's. This friend has all the same life experiences, family history, struggles, and strengths. In that role, I'll tell Keisha about what I've been going through and ask her if she agrees with my negative thoughts. I asked Keisha to give me a name, and not the name of someone close to her in real life - she chose Amanda.

Double Standard Technique

Cheryl (as Amanda): Hi Keisha, do you have a minute? I wanted to ask you about something that's been bothering me.

Keisha: Sure.

Cheryl (as Amanda): Great, thanks. I've been having an awful time lately. Work is going well, and I'm even up for a promotion. On paper, that seems exciting, but in reality, it's awful. I feel stressed and overwhelmed all the time. Not only that, but I'm lonely because everyone thinks I should be happy. I realized that one of the things that's been driving me my whole life is that I've been telling myself, "I must never make a mistake, or something terrible will happen." Do you think that's true?

Keisha: Hmm.

Cheryl (as Amanda): You can think about it for a minute; I want you to be honest with me. I hope you won't say something nice that you don't mean just to make me feel better.

Keisha: Yeeaaaah…. Well, yeah, it's tough. I know how hard you've had to work to get where you are, and that's something I admire about you. On the other hand, you're my friend, and it makes me sad to think about you constantly feeling so stressed. I also know you pretty well. I know you have made mistakes, and you've been able to get through them in the past. Maybe it's good to take your work seriously, but keep in mind that mistakes will definitely happen, and you'll be able to get through them.

Cheryl (as Amanda): It feels so good to hear you say that! I feel pretty relieved, honestly. But can I check in with you a little bit? Don't you think it's important to keep telling myself something terrible will happen? That way, I can avoid it.

Keisha: You know, I think there will be mistakes. There will even be consequences for those mistakes! But you're already in something terrible. You said you're overwhelmed, stressed, lonely, and you never rest. That sounds pretty terrible to me! I think you can be conscientious and hard-working without beating yourself up so much. What if you said, "It's important to take my work seriously, and I'm a human being who will make mistakes. I know I have what it takes to roll with that when it happens."

Cheryl (as Amanda): If that's true for me, is it true for you too?

Keisha: Yeah, I guess it is.

And Beyond

There are a lot more methods I would use with Keisha to strengthen and reinforce her belief in the new positive thought, but this is generally a powerful one. It's particularly effective if the client is someone who generally treats themselves more harshly than they treat other people. You can try this method out yourself at home!

It has been shocking to me to feel how much more effective it is to speak the roles out loud than just to ask, glancingly, “would you speak to someone else the way you’re speaking to yourself?” I hope you’ll test it out and feel the difference for yourself.

Extra Support

If you're interested in working through your perfectionism and uncovering how it's both helping and hurting you, schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn more about how we might work together in your specific situation.

What Are the Root Causes of Perfectionism?