Why Can’t I Stop “Shoulding” Myself?
“Stop ‘Shoulding’ Yourself!” Is a “Should”
How often has someone scolded you to “take it easy! You need to stop ‘shoulding’ yourself!” Then you probably got annoyed either with the reminder or with yourself for needing it quite so much. Stopping a pattern of guilt or overwork isn’t as simple as just not doing that anymore. It’s not that you aren’t smart enough or strong-willed enough to stop “shoulding” yourself. The advice to simply…stop…is itself another “should!”
You don’t have to be trapped, though. We’ll talk about how to get off the merry-go-round further down.
Honestly, The Advice Is Well Founded
The word “should” truly is at the root of a lot of suffering. Intense guilt, shame, and stuckness result from “shoulds” every day. We beat ourselves up, feel overwhelmed by impossibility, and get frozen in inaction.
It makes sense to encourage people to let go of that vise grip and embrace freedom instead.
The problem comes when you try to use the tool of “shoulds” to destroy itself. Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work.
“Shoulds” Are Incredibly Powerful
We can’t just turn them off like a light switch because our “shoulds” are incredibly important - even compelling - to us! We each have a slightly different set, but they’re the rules we’ve learned to keep us alive and living according to our values. Each “should” is a tiny Jiminy Cricket telling us what to do in the various dilemmas we face.
They’re Powerful Because They Store Our Values
Our values are incredibly powerful forces in our emotional lives. We consider them defining characteristics (I’m kind, I’m hard-working, I’m dependable) and, given the option, would never flip a switch that turned them off completely. Imagine what life would look like the day after “I’m dependable” had entirely disappeared! Imagine if you no longer cared about everything that’s currently important to you about how you act!
We love our values and feel proud of them, and that’s actually quite health-promoting! “Shoulds” can be a vehicle for helping us enact them.
Unfortunately, they’re very often counter-productive.
And Shoulds Contain a Force for Harm
Despite all the goodies (er, values) encased in “shoulds,” their potential for harm is well-earned. A mentor of mine told me that the word “should” comes from the Old English “sceolde” or “scolde.” The general goal of the word is to confer guilt, a negative emotion we want to avoid. Most uses of the word “should” threaten or enact punishment in the form of guilt, shame, incompetence, or loneliness.
Punishment has a place. It’s intended to motivate us to act differently and help us learn from our experiences. In most cases, though, and particularly when it’s cranked up all the way, punishment does more harm than good.
The idea behind punishment (in this case: guilt, shame, embarrassment, anxiety) is that it gives us a reason to avoid repeating our actions. I don’t want to feel that again, so next time, I’ll do something different.
We overuse it, though. Our culture has leaned into the idea of punishment as just about the only way to motivate behavior, and we ignore the costs.
Punishment Adds Extra Pain
Imagine you’ve recently started a new job, and you’re telling yourself that you should already know how to do all of it. There are a couple of levels of pain you might feel. One level is the friction you feel when you’re doing something that doesn’t quite feel natural or easy for you. You miss steps, or it’s effortful, or you’re self-conscious about how your coworkers perceive you.
The extra level is the guilt or shame you feel for not being “a natural” or learning instantaneously. If changing a “should” feels risky because you might lose motivation to grow, consider that decreasing the friction of doing your job is a compelling reward! And consider that the guilt, shame, and stuckness you feel might very well prevent you from doing the specific things that would improve your performance.
In particular, doing a job poorly is usually a prerequisite for doing it well. It becomes exponentially more difficult to do a job poorly if you’re constantly judging yourself or beating yourself up.
Modifying a “Should”
The word itself is not a magic spell that creates anxiety or depression! A “should” is only harmful if it's causing you harm, and you're the only person who can evaluate that.
A healthy “should” results in action or grief (or both). If you have a “should” that’s weighing you down, try to break it down. What is it trying to get you to do? How effective is it? Is there something else you could say to yourself that would be motivating without being so harsh?
Is there a loss you need to grieve first? If you’ve been grimacing through a “should,” holding on to a vision of simplicity that’s just around the corner, it’s crushing to fully internalize the idea that there’s no way around the friction of learning. Acknowledging that sadness is a great way to begin softening it.
Keep What Works
“Shoulds” always contain at least some attempt to be helpful. They point the way toward the world as we would like it to be. We don’t want to let go of them because we fear sliding into decay or stagnation. They become harmful, though, when their punitive components are so overpowering that they become, ironically, demotivating and energy-sapping.
What’s going into your “should”? What’s the value it wants you to uphold? Is there a way to move towards it without beating yourself up?
One possibility:
“I’m looking forward to being great at this job. Part of me wishes I could snap my fingers and know every detail, but I know that’s because I have high standards and want to be respected at work. I’ll get there.”
Cheryl Delaney, MS, LPC
Cheryl Delaney is a Georgia-based therapist who specializes in helping people overcome perfectionism through online counseling. She’s been a bit of a goofball as long as she can remember. Her approach balances professionalism with warmth, making sessions feel effective and encouraging. When she's not in therapist mode, Cheryl's likely spending time with her husband, three kids, and two cats or absorbed in a podcast while doing the dishes.