Part 4 of Making Friends at Any Age: An Achievable Goal
It’s incredibly meaningful to me when I get to help clients who want to make friends and feel more at ease. I was a weird kid. I felt lonely, awkward, different, and rejected for years (decades?).
In elementary school, I wanted friends intensely and had no idea what would make that more or less likely. Having friends seemed like a magical thing that happened by fate - like maybe there was a scoreboard somewhere keeping track of how cool, fun, or well-dressed everyone was, and I just needed to move up that scoreboard to feel safe and loved.
I used to fantasize that one of the cool kids and I would experience a dramatic event together–like maybe we’d both be trapped in a well or something–and we’d come out of that experience bonded for life. Despite her initially shallow estimation, she would have realized all the awesome things about me and become my best friend.
In retrospect, the very idea of a scoreboard gets in the way of the kind of connections I want. What’s more, I was co-creating the scoreboard by believing in it.
Change Didn’t Happen Overnight
There are a lot of steps between being that insecure kindergartener and feeling much more comfortable in my skin and at ease talking to strangers.
Branching out from elementary school and meeting people I had more in common with was one step. Deep friendships with beautiful people helped. Traveling, going to college, getting married, all involved experiences that chipped away at my story of being ‘defective.’
The most transformative leaps, though, have come from doing my job. I used to complain about one aspect of my work: unlike my part-time high school job at Pizza Hut, this one has no employee discount or free leftovers to take home. In reality, this job comes with HUGE benefits that extend to me.
To do my work, I constantly think about how brains work and how best to help my clients, which inevitably affects my brain. Most importantly, I usually spend at least some time in the client seat when I’m learning a new skill. The goal is to notice things, like the huge impact a subtle word choice can have. Or how nerve-wracking it feels to be honest with someone who barely knows you and knows more about your brain than you do.
One huge benefit is that the techniques work on me while I learn them!
A Repeatable Path
Thankfully, making friends, even with ‘cool’ people, has not demanded that I get trapped in any wells.
Becoming more open and less self-conscious hasn’t been easy. There’ve been tears along the way. I am an easy crier, so your mileage may vary. But don’t let the upbeat tone of a blog series about making friends deceive you—fears of criticism and rejection are in the running for the most powerful fears out there!) but the payoff is incredible.
I’ve used all the mindset techniques in this post and more. Bringing those new understandings into the real world was where they changed my life the most.
Some Action-Related Tools
Tool #1: Generate Compliments
I love this as a way to ease into the Actions phase of the Making Friends process. For this tool to work, you don’t have to say anything to anyone or outwardly change your behavior in any way. Simply think of one compliment for every person you see.
Back in my prime Cosmic Scoreboard days, I was very focused on myself. When I wasn’t, I was prone to noticing flaws or criticisms about other people. That does two things - it distances us from other people based on potentially trivial things AND makes us likely to assume they’re doing the same thing!
Generating compliments gets us to practice noticing positive stuff more generally. It creates feelings of warmth and affinity and sometimes makes us feel good about ourselves (look at me; I’m so kind, and my compliments are so generous!). It also puts the spotlight on other people.
People do not want you to impress them. Most of us tune out when someone tries to show us all the ticks they think they have on the Scoreboard. We do, however, like people who show interest in us!
Generating compliments silently to yourself, which you never have to share, is a fantastic baby step toward thinking more about other people. It also takes up space you might otherwise use to imagine what negative things they might think about you.
Tool #2: Smile and Hello
Once you’re good at finding compliments, you’ll probably already feel better about yourself and strangers. The next challenge is to take that demeanor out into the world. Walk in a busy pedestrian area and challenge yourself to smile at and say hello to ten different people.
This one’s nice because you don’t have to think of great things to say or be in an extended conversation. It’s just a smile and a brief greeting. Despite the low stakes, it is incredibly challenging if you’re new to it or your self-critical voice is overwhelming.
Working with a therapist is one way to reach an agreement between the part of you that desperately wants a sense of freedom and ease and the part that’s terrified and working overtime to protect you.
Tool #3: A List of Openers
Finally, many of my clients are sure that outgoing people are witty, clever, or naturally good at knowing words to say. The likeliest story is that they say words a lot, and many of their words are the same.
Deep friendships don’t start out that way. Small talk is the precursor to most meaningful connections, and it usually works best when it’s predictable, trite, and uncreative. Talking about the weather often means, “I recognize your humanity, and I’m not sure yet what we have in common. Let’s gauge our mutual interest in deeper conversation.” Or “Here we are in this grocery store, and maybe some pleasantly empty chit-chat will help pass the time.” Or even simply, “I am open to talking to you.”
As silly as it might seem, writing down a list of possible conversation openers you can always use is an ideal next step after “smile and hello.” The less meaningful, the less personal, the less creative, the better.
Many Paths
The best news is that making friends is a matter of practice, of developing skills that we don’t usually think of as skills. It’s not a matter of improving your score on the Cosmic Scoreboard or of waiting for fate to get you stuck in an elevator with someone you want to know better.
It makes sense to want friends and to care about being well-liked and respected. It makes sense to fear criticism and rejection. Most people do, at least a little, or we wouldn’t be able to co-exist.
Thankfully, we can hold on to the beautiful things about caring and paying attention without keeping them at intensity
The process isn’t easy or instantaneous, but it’s absolutely life-changing. If you’re interested in making some of these changes in your own life but feel overwhelmed about implementing them, schedule a 20-minute consultation. We’ll talk about your goals and what it might look like to work toward them together.
Cheryl Delaney, MS, LPC
Cheryl Delaney is a Georgia-based therapist who specializes in helping people overcome perfectionism through online counseling. She’s been a bit of a goofball as long as she can remember. Her approach balances professionalism with warmth, making sessions feel effective and encouraging. When she's not in therapist mode, Cheryl's likely spending time with her husband, three kids, and two cats or absorbed in a podcast while doing the dishes.