How to Get Unstuck
“Why can’t I just get myself to ____???”
Fill in the blank with any habit of yours you’ve tried to change:
quit smoking, start running, eat differently, sleep more, sleep less, work more, work less, start a hobby, tidy up, learn to cook, read more books, spend less money, follow through on things, be more dependable, make more friends, spend time with the friends I have, put limits on what I do for other people, be generous with my time and money…
We all have changes we’d like to make to ourselves and our lives, but we can’t seem to be able to make them. It’s confusing! I am myself, the one thinking this change would be a good idea! Why isn’t that enough to make it happen?!?
Stuck in Self-Blame and Overthinking
My clients wrestle with "shoulds" all the time. Every goal above might be a should - in fact, every goal we ever have starts out as a healthy should. We look around at ourselves and the world, see a problem, and envision a solution. “Here is a vision of a better world.”
Personally, I often tell myself I should read more books.
If I read more books, I’d spend less time on my phone. I’d probably learn more things and feel happier and more peaceful. I’d make use of the objects I can’t seem to stop buying and which now are mostly gathering dust. I would strengthen my ability to focus on the slow and the long term instead of feeling uncomfortable and bored without constant stimulation from my phone.
If I focused only on this side of the equation, it’d be easy to pile on the self-criticism and recriminations. It’s clear! It’s obvious! The fact that I haven’t started reading more and breaking my phone’s leash on my mind just means that I’m weak-willed, lazy, and inferior.
Emotions I “Shouldn’t” Have (that Keep Me Stuck & Overthinking)
There’s another side to the equation. We can see all the reasons we want to make a change, but we can’t see the parts of ourselves that are stopping us. We deny important values because we think we shouldn’t have them.
Let’s look at our example again: reading books is something I do for fun, but it feels like more work than scrolling my phone or playing video games. If I read more books, I might be accomplishing everything I just mentioned, but it would feel like I was giving myself more work! Maybe it would be better for my brain in the long run, but in the short term, it would be painful and difficult.
The pain wouldn’t be extreme or anything, but when I have some coveted leisure time, my natural impulse will be to move closer to ease, comfort, and pleasure and farther from work, challenge, and discomfort. When the stakes are this low, it’s no wonder I haven’t had a heart-to-heart with myself and figured out how to incorporate more books into my life.
The Importance of “Shameful” Values
When I say that I’m motivated by comfort, ease, self-protection, pleasure, and enjoyment, how do you react? Does it sound like I’m making excuses for myself and letting myself off the hook?
The words we use for those values are full of negative connotations. Laziness. Sloth, gluttony, greed, lust, envy, wrath, and pride aren’t just considered deadly sins in Christianity. They’ve seeped into secular popular culture and infused our workplaces and education systems.
They absolutely can lead to suffering and be devastatingly harmful. But! Each one, in its healthy form and at an appropriate level, is necessary for us to thrive. We need rest and pleasure. They keep us healthy and make the hard parts of life worthwhile. Anger and jealousy are painful but protect us and motivate us.
What If Those Values Vanished?
It might be more powerful to look at it this way: if you imagine every ounce of anger leaving you forever, what would you be afraid might happen as a result? Think about the last time you felt angry.
If you were angry about politics: maybe you felt concerned on someone else’s behalf, and anger is the fuel for action. If you were angry with your partner, maybe you were worried that they were taking advantage of you or that they were being critical and, deep down, they have a poor opinion of you.
Close your eyes and imagine that moment of anger. Now imagine making it instantly vanish. What would be missing if it did? You might let people harm you and harm other people without any resistance.
Range of Motion: From Overthinking to Understanding
It won’t help to go from one extreme to the other. Embracing so much anger that we destroy things and hurt people would cause even more suffering. But when we acknowledge these “shameful” values, we can get out of the stuckness and finally move forward.
I can see that looking at my phone makes sense! My longings for rest, ease, and distraction are all healthy and helpful in the right quantities. I can take those into account while I try to help myself read more. I don’t have to be confused about why I can’t just get myself to do something that seems so obviously better. I don’t have to criticize or guilt myself into action.
It feels surprisingly scary to stop criticizing or guilting myself until I remember that those tactics haven’t actually inspired action! They’re discouraging and drain my energy, making it harder to ask myself to push out of the well-worn paths of my existing habits.
Instead, I can focus on what I want to get out of reading and gradually nudge myself in that direction. I can treat my hesitation with compassion and account for it instead of demanding that it not exist.
What Are the Contradictory Values in Your Shoulds?
What’s your habit goal? How long have you been trying to achieve it? Do you beat yourself up for being stuck? Call yourself lazy or weak?
What are the values that make you want to adopt your change? What would it accomplish if you could change it?
Is there a value, emotion, or motivation that might be pushing back? Has it been invisible because you “shouldn’t” have it?
Begin Counseling for Panic Attacks in Georgia
If you live in Georgia and want to have a greater sense of peace about your life and to move toward your goals with joyful focus, professional support is available. A free 20-minute consultation can provide insight into how therapy might help transform your relationship with your habits.
Read the Rates & Details page to learn more and find out if we’d be a good fit. Then schedule a free 20-minute consultation so you can ask questions about what that would look like for you specifically.
Bit by Bit Counseling’s Other Services
I offer treatment for panic attacks, social anxiety, depression, or relationship issues. Learn more about each of those and how life might be different with effective treatment.
I love showing people how to feel more joy, more contentment, and a deeper sense of connection.
Cheryl Delaney, MS, LPC
I’m Cheryl Delaney, a Georgia-based therapist specializing in therapy for perfectionism through online counseling.
I’ve had lots of different forms of anxiety and some experience with depression, too! I’ve faced some of my own biggest fears, and love showing other people the way out. Learn more about me and my approach (TEAM-CBT), or schedule a free consultation to ask questions about how therapy might work for you.