How to Deal with Family During the Holidays
“Why do I let them get to me? Over the tiniest things!”
Most of my clients feel self-conscious about the things that upset them. “It’s such a small thing,” they’ll say. “So many other people have real problems.” And I know what they mean. My clients and I are not working at the extremes of human experience. We are mostly warm (and cool) and have enough to eat; we’re not talking about their experiences in combat or famine. And every day, we see news about suffering so intense we can barely imagine it.
At the same time, every emergency department doctor who’s faced down a late night with a full waiting room, every person fleeing violent conflict who knows prolonged hunger, all of them, too, would get annoyed at other people for not doing things the right way; for not using common sense.
In the extreme moments, of course, that’s not our priority. When the shit hits the fan, there’s focus, there’s prioritization. We survive first and worry about where to keep the markers later. But we all have strong feelings about how to do even the littlest things. Everyone who has ever worked on a group project – like being a family, making a meal, or fostering a tradition – has been irritated at how somebody else contributed.
All of our biggest problems are about people.
Holiday Conflict: It’s Not About the Tupperware
Almost every moment of conflict, frustration, or alienation starts with something mundane and uninteresting. We watch movies about dramatic events and believe our arguments about latkes and pies are tedious and insignificant.
Those moments, small as they seem, make up the substance of our relationships and, as a result, our lives. They’re also not really about the small things that set us off. I might feel criticized by a comment about my cooking, but my hurt feelings have little to do with how much butter or salt I added. My history with the person offering the feedback has much more to do with it.
Do we have a track record of warmth and mutual care, affectionate joking with a huge side order of respect? Or do we have simmering frustrations and resentments that have never been addressed?
That is to say, my feathers might get ruffled for something that seems insignificant. But it’s actually related to the most significant parts of my life: my self-confidence and my relationships.
Why Do We Find Holidays So Stressful?
Countless little things can set us off about holidays and spending time with family.
A short list:
There are so many more, and they can get very idiosyncratic!
When we have these types of differences with coworkers or acquaintances, we might choose to spend our friendship time with others who feel more similar. If we meet a stranger who’s very different in any of these ways, we often go our separate ways without a second thought. With family, though, we might feel more obligated to spend time together, even if we don’t have much in common.
How to Get Along with Your Family
First things first: there are all kinds of families, and not all are safe to be around. Only you can decide if this is a part of your life you’d want to improve. Certainly, if things suck, there are plenty of people who understand what you’re going through.
The bad news is, you’re the one reading this - not your family members. So if anything is going to change, it’s likely you will be the one doing the heavy lifting. Working on relationships and how we are with other people is the hardest work I ever see my clients do. It’s also the most challenging work I’ve done in my own life. The good news is that it is by far the most rewarding work we ever do. The benefits go far beyond the holiday table.
Do You Really Want to Get Along With Your Family? Really?
You probably don’t really want to get along with them. This might sound like a smart-ass thing to say - I’m a therapist, and in this context, the “correct” answer is obvious. “Of course, Cheryl, of course, I want to get along with my family. Relationships are important to me. Also, why else would I be reading this.”
And yet, as weird as it might sound, most of us want warmer relationships, but we don’t want to be the ones to create them. We want the other people in our lives to see the error of their ways. Certainly, I’m this way. I want other people (my loved ones and sworn enemies alike) to be visited by three ghosts (like this guy), have a change of heart, and see my point of view. I want them to approach me with caring words, acknowledgments of their missteps, and genuine goodwill.
If you close your eyes right now–I encourage you to actually do this–close your eyes and picture yourself at the family gathering. Now picture the person or the comment or the inevitable friction that irritates you the most. Or even the one that pisses you off the most.
Do you want to be warm and kind and caring towards that person or in that moment?
So instead of jumping headlong into outlining the steps you can take to transform your relationships and enjoy spending time with your family members, we’re going to spend some time considering whether that’s really a good idea.
You Are Absolutely Not Alone
In the meantime, the days are passing and you face the prospect of time with your real live family. It can be easy to trick yourself into thinking that everyone else is living inside a Publix commercial, playing board games, and chuckling at inside jokes.
Based on my experience with clients, with my own relationships and how challenging those can be, and on seeing how relationships and communication play out in every part of my life: you are not alone. Humanity has made tremendous progress with science and the technology of objects and even ideas, but we’re still pretty stuck when it comes to conflict.
The main options presented to us are:
Be honest about your negative emotions by exploding in a destructive way or
sweep things under the rug and fester with resentment and loneliness.
We have huge negative associations with conflict for very good reasons. It’s not you. It’s humanity. If you’re undaunted by the prospect of working hard on your relationships for huge rewards, read on to learn more.
Bit by Bit Counseling’s Other Services
I offer treatment for panic attacks, social anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship issues. Schedule a free, 20-minute consultation to learn more about creating a deeper sense of satisfaction in life.
I love showing people how to feel more joy, more contentment, and warm connections.
Cheryl Delaney, MS, LPC
I’m Cheryl Delaney; a Georgia-based online therapist who specializes in helping perfectionists enjoy their lives and keep high standards. My approach balances professionalism with warmth, using each session to move toward a specific goal. I know first-hand how painful it is when relationships are tense, and I find joy in teaching other people to develop close, warm connections.
Learn more about me and my approach (TEAM-CBT), or schedule a free consultation to ask questions about how therapy might work for you.